Boo hoo hoo

Dios Guarde

The contents of my blog for the last year have been pretty up-beat. Part of that would be due to the fact that when I was in a bad mood, I didn't blog, and the other part is because I have been pretty mellow and happy here in El Salvador.

Well, today, I am not in a very good mood. A lingering sense of frustration, restlessness, isolation and a lack of fulfillment have been really killing my buzz for the last few weeks.

Yet... one of my best tactics for getting over my frustration is stifled. What is it about this country or this job or this climate that makes it absolutely impossible for me to shed a single tear?

It's REALLY frustrating.

Sometimes, for me, the only remedy for that overwhelmed feeling is to let loose and howl. But alas, besides the five minute sniffly phone call when I found out that my grandfather passed away last year my cheeks have been like the Sahara.

Often, during the most trying moments of Peace Corps service, the appeal of La Yusa creeps up on me and settles at the forefront of my thoughts. Imagining various ways I could find myself magically back in Oregon within the next year has been a tempting day dream since early March.

During the two weeks I spent at home in December, I think I cried about 4 times. Three out of those four were for absolutely no reason at all. If nothing else, if I went home, at least I could blubber like a baby.

In this country there is a lot of bad... but you don't see people moping about it. The people don't go around crying over spilled leche, so maybe I'm just taking their social cue. They have it a lot worse than I do, too.

Watching and hearing dogs get destroyed by trucks, knowing that women and children are being abused, seeing malnourished kids, being told by strangers that I'm bien gordita, having men make lewd sexual gestures and comments to me, being a part of a community that, at times, seems absolutely indifferent to my existence, and feeling a general sense of "blah" about my projects... Those are the daily frustrations, and yet... I've got nothing. Maybe it's time to find someone with cable, and watch Extreme Makeover, Home Edition... that's never failed to make me cry before. If that doesn't do it, maybe nothing but my return p'al norte will.

Mid Service, Puchica.

If feels like just yesterday I was filling out stacks of medical paperwork, rushing around during finals of my last term of college getting to get all my appointments done before I lost my insurance...

Now I'm in San Salvador this week for my Mid-service medical check up, and next week will end with a mid-service site visit from my jefa Clelia.

I am so glad to feel, even (or especially) after a year, that I am still sure about why I chose to apply to Peace Corps, and I am still happy that I found myself in a country like El Salvador, the little thumb of Central America.

I can't imagine being here, and hating everything about the country, the culture, the lifestyle. If my outlook was permanently hazed and darkened by resentment, frustration and anxiety, I would be on the next flight back home. Period.

My experience has been unique, with plenty of bumps in the road and challenges along el camino. However, I don't live in fear, nor do I pretend to be a different version of myself, and I know that, while I may not have built a casa communal and my projects are a little low-key, I have done a pretty good job for a volunteer in a challenging first time site. So far.

My rough days are different now and are usually the result of restlessness, boredom and an impossible wish that the only hard part about a project was starting.

Here's to the next year!

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Well, It HAS been awhile...

Some Fellow COED/MUNI Volunteers with the Ambassadora of El Salvador. :)

Pinata /smash in heads time.

WEE! Fun for the whole family.

Looking up the princesses skirt.

Paper Savings Banks

My Como Planear Mi Vida group.

Amalia, during a headlice checking sesh. Hah.

Volcano Santa Ana, from Cerro Verde.

Some Photos... of Stuff...

This is where Cashews come from...

The fruit above can be eaten, the seed below is a Cashew.

Ladies in Red-ish

Bichas

Lil Princesses

Reinas

My first home grown egg

Future Egg 1, giving me the stink-eye

Embassy Visit. Thanks Ladies!

Horse Race... Thing

My Little Buddy, Adelso

Rosita and Henry

Traviesos

La Nina Reina making Sopa de Patas

Nina Francisca, Wearing the best shirt of the day.

Javelin wielding cowboy

Putting up more rings

Precision

(That's the Infamous Ricardo to the Left)

This Girl, Raquel, knows how to match.

"Sure you can take our picture 'For the church, wiiinkkk'"

Little Madrina

Back to life. Back to reality...

The Family, Christmas 2010.

Connor, with his new bike.

He was happy to see me.

After a great visit home, I'm back in El Salvador. Getting on the return flight was not fun, but, for better or worse, back in site it's like I never even left.

Besides being relaxing, fun and filled with tasty beer, my visit home made me realize that since 2005 I'm always coming or going, and that I would like to be more available, and live somewhere that seeing my family doesn't have to be a big trip or a long, long drive. While I can't say that I won't be living far, far away again in the future, it would be nice to be a little closer for a year or two...

Though I don't think I can live in Albany...

While things are in a lull right now, the next few months are going to fill up FAST. I got notice today that I won 500 dollars to fund a three month lifeskills program in my local school. I am relieved, and so excited to get going.

The women from the cultural affairs office from the US Embassy will be in El Cocalito on the 31st to check out my shampoo project. We'll make a batch of Shampoo de Manzanilla, let the ladies get their hands dirty, and see how it goes. When I got back from vacation, a few of the ladies from the women's group told me that the Manzanilla was giving dandruff, and the aloe vera shampoo went chuco... So much for product consistency. I think we'll be moving on to soap or perfume soon...

The new group of volunteers will be here in a few days, and I'll be heading San Vicente bound to do some training panel, and possibly have my own aspirante here in El Cocalito for a couple of days.

This month also brings my community's Fiestas Patronales, so we'll see rodeos, horse races, dances and baptisms... The requests for my participation as God Mother should be rolling in again soon.

I will have been here a year, officially, the first week of February. A group outing to the beach (La Barra de Santiago, couldn't be more convenient) should be madness.

Last, but not least, Spring Break 2011 = Patt in the Savior. My first (possibly only) visitor from La Yusa. Should be a great adventure.

If I had one wish

I would wish for more wishes. I guess I am selfish...

But otherwise I've been nice all year long.

So here is my Christmas Wishlist

• SD Cards for my Camera
• Any laptop new or used, as long as it works.
• Sharpies
• a 2011 agenda
• a new journal
• A pedicure
• Invitations out to local bars that serve frosty Micro Brews
• Mix CDs
• Arts and Crafts supplies
• a trip to The Chowder Bowl at Nye Beach.
• A camelback waterbottle. Mine have been thrashed.
• Lots of Hangout time with friends and family. I miss you guys.

I'm pretty much counting down the days. This week is packed with stuff. Work, a marshmellow roast at my house this evening, 70 bottles of shampoo to deal with, and PAC meetings to close out the work week. Next week is open, so far, but I have a feeling it will alternately fly and drag by. I'm too broke to do much, but I'll make it work. I can't wait to see my people and be overwhelmed by it all. I'm a little anxious about that second part, but all shall be well. Oh yes. And soon I will be in the land of the free and the home of the Brave. "La Yusa."