The contents of my blog for the last year have been pretty up-beat. Part of that would be due to the fact that when I was in a bad mood, I didn't blog, and the other part is because I have been pretty mellow and happy here in El Salvador.
Well, today, I am not in a very good mood. A lingering sense of frustration, restlessness, isolation and a lack of fulfillment have been really killing my buzz for the last few weeks.
Yet... one of my best tactics for getting over my frustration is stifled. What is it about this country or this job or this climate that makes it absolutely impossible for me to shed a single tear?
It's REALLY frustrating.
Sometimes, for me, the only remedy for that overwhelmed feeling is to let loose and howl. But alas, besides the five minute sniffly phone call when I found out that my grandfather passed away last year my cheeks have been like the Sahara.
Often, during the most trying moments of Peace Corps service, the appeal of La Yusa creeps up on me and settles at the forefront of my thoughts. Imagining various ways I could find myself magically back in Oregon within the next year has been a tempting day dream since early March.
During the two weeks I spent at home in December, I think I cried about 4 times. Three out of those four were for absolutely no reason at all. If nothing else, if I went home, at least I could blubber like a baby.
In this country there is a lot of bad... but you don't see people moping about it. The people don't go around crying over spilled leche, so maybe I'm just taking their social cue. They have it a lot worse than I do, too.
Watching and hearing dogs get destroyed by trucks, knowing that women and children are being abused, seeing malnourished kids, being told by strangers that I'm bien gordita, having men make lewd sexual gestures and comments to me, being a part of a community that, at times, seems absolutely indifferent to my existence, and feeling a general sense of "blah" about my projects... Those are the daily frustrations, and yet... I've got nothing. Maybe it's time to find someone with cable, and watch Extreme Makeover, Home Edition... that's never failed to make me cry before. If that doesn't do it, maybe nothing but my return p'al norte will.
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